James Bond gets most of the one-liners in his own films. He has a quip ready for most of the henchmen he dispatches. This list is about everybody else: the people who hand him gadgets, sign off on his missions, try to kill him, or just happen to be standing nearby when he does something ridiculous.
We ranked fifteen lines by how funny they are, judged on three things: the line itself, its timing in the scene, and whether it still works for a reader who hasn’t seen the film in a while. When two lines land equally well, the one that needs less setup wins. That tiebreak settles #11 and #12.
The rules. Bond is out, obviously. So are his romantic interests and female mission partners. Moneypenny stays in as MI6 staff, the same call we made in our put-downs list, even though our list of Bond girl rides counted Eve Moneypenny as a Bond girl after Skyfall. Every quote was checked against film transcripts and quote sources. Spoilers throughout.
15 to 11: Funny If You Were in the Room
15. Jaws, Moonraker (1979)
Across two films, Jaws bites, crushes and survives his way through everything the series throws at him without saying a word. Then, with Drax’s station coming apart and his loyalties switched, he finds Dolly, opens a bottle of champagne and raises a glass: “Well, here’s to us.” It’s his one line of dialogue in either film. On the page it’s four ordinary words. On screen it’s the payoff to two movies of silence, and the most romantic toast in a film that also has James Bond in it.
14. Sheriff J.W. Pepper, Live and Let Die (1973)
Pepper spends the bayou chase losing ground, losing his temper and, at one point, losing his patrol car to a speedboat that lands on it. When he finally has Bond in front of him, he’s ready to make an arrest. Felix asks a state police captain to set the sheriff straight. The captain takes Pepper aside and quietly explains that this man is from London, England, and Pepper’s reaction comes out at full volume: “Secret agent? On whose side?” The captain went to the trouble of whispering. Pepper makes sure the whole marina hears it anyway, and still isn’t sure Bond is one of the good guys.
13. Moneypenny, Dr. No (1962)
The first Moneypenny scene in the series sets the template for every one after it. Bond turns up in his evening clothes, she notes he has never taken her to dinner looking like that, or at all, and he claims he would, except he’d be court-martialed for it. Moneypenny: “Flattery will get you nowhere, but don’t stop trying.” It’s a rejection and an invitation in the same breath, and the two of them would keep that exact exchange going for decades.
12. M, GoldenEye (1995)
In the situation room, Tanner tells Bond his hunch about the stolen helicopter was right, and that it’s a shame the new M wouldn’t let him follow it. He throws in an unflattering nickname about her love of numbers while he’s at it. M has walked in behind him. Tanner stammers, and M tells him that if she wants sarcasm, “I’ll talk to my children.” She hasn’t said a word to Bond yet, and she has already won the room. It ties with #11, and loses on setup.
11. Tiger Tanaka, You Only Live Twice (1967)
Tanaka treats Bond to what he calls his first civilized bath, and hands him over to the attendants with a word of philosophy. Rule number one: “never do anything yourself when someone else can do it for you.” It’s the most relatable management advice in the series, from the head of the Japanese secret service at bath time. There is a rule number two. It has aged much worse, so we’re stopping at one.
10 to 6: Scene Stealers
10. Q, For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Q needs a quiet word with Bond in Greece, so he picks the most discreet spot available: a confessional, dressed as a priest. Bond steps in and opens with the traditional line about having sinned. Q: “That’s putting it mildly, 007!” Then he gets straight to business, complaining that Bond’s signal nearly sent Whitehall into shock. Plenty of priests hear confessions. Very few have read the full file first.
9. Moneypenny, Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
MI6 has an international emergency, and Moneypenny has to call Bond in from Oxford, where he’s spending time with a Danish professor. Bond explains he’s brushing up on a little Danish. Moneypenny signs off: “You always were a cunning linguist, James.” Bond is in no position to argue.
8. M, Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
M takes Bond to see Sir Donald Munger, a diamond industry grandee, who asks how far the commander’s expertise extends into diamonds. Bond, for once, has almost nothing: they’re hard, they cut glass, they suggest marriage, and they’ve replaced the dog as a girl’s best friend. M’s verdict, in front of the host: it’s refreshing to hear there’s “one subject you’re not an expert on.” Most bosses would save that for the car ride back. M delivers it on the spot, to an agent who usually has an answer for everything.
7. Valentin Zukovsky, GoldenEye (1995)
Bond lets himself into Zukovsky’s St. Petersburg place and ends up pointing a gun at him. Zukovsky isn’t rattled. He names the weapon, a Walther PPK, and says only three men he knows use one. “I believe I’ve killed two of them.” Bond says he’s lucky, then. Zukovsky says he thinks not. Bond is the one holding the gun, and the man at the wrong end of it wins the exchange anyway. Bond gave him the bad leg he still complains about, which makes the calm even funnier.
6. Q, The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Q is handing over another batch of equipment and asks Bond, as usual, to take great care of it, because there are one or two rather special accessories. Bond, wounded, asks whether he has ever let Q down. Q: “Frequently.” One word, no pause, no softening. It’s the answer of a man who has kept the repair invoices.
5 to 2: The Best Lines in the Building
5. R, The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Q has a new assistant, and Bond hasn’t met him before. Bond can’t resist: if this is Q, does that make the new man R? R doesn’t miss a beat. “Ah yes, the legendary 007 wit, or at least half of it.” It’s a put-down of a pun, delivered by the new man to the most famous agent in the building. R grades the joke at fifty percent.
4. Hugo Drax, Moonraker (1979)
Bond’s first meeting with Drax at his California estate ends with Corinne, Drax’s pilot, taking him off to meet Dr. Goodhead. Once they’ve gone, Drax gives his bodyguard Chang an instruction that starts like the polite thing a host says about a guest, look after Mr. Bond, and then turns: “See that some harm comes to him.” It’s a murder order phrased like a note to the housekeeping staff. Drax delivers most of his lines like a man who finds the whole business slightly beneath him, and this is the one where the tone and the content split furthest apart. What Chang tries next belongs to another list.
3. Q, Goldfinger (1964)
Q is walking Bond through the gadgets on the new Aston Martin. Under the top of the gear lever is a red button. Whatever Bond does, he shouldn’t touch it, because it opens part of the roof and fires the passenger ejector seat. Bond, delighted, assumes this has to be a joke. Q, not delighted at all: “I never joke about my work, 007.” The car is absurd, the button is absurd, and the man who built it is completely serious.
2. M, Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
M and Admiral Roebuck are on opposite sides again: he wants force, she wants Bond given time to find out what’s really going on. Roebuck runs out of patience and tells her, more or less, that she doesn’t have the balls for the job. M concedes he may have a point, then finishes the thought: “I don’t have to think with them all the time.” She lets him think he’s won for exactly one word.
Cleared for Re-entry
1. Q, Moonraker (1979)
Drax is gone, his station is finished, and Bond and Holly are in a shuttle. Back on Earth, M, Q and the Minister of Defence, Sir Frederick Gray, get a video link to the shuttle, and the screen shows Bond and Holly in zero gravity, otherwise occupied. The Minister asks what on earth Bond is doing. Q answers him: “I think he’s attempting re-entry, sir.” It’s a technical term from the space program, handed to the most technical man in MI6 and delivered to a government minister with a straight face. You don’t need to remember the plot of Moonraker to get it.
Credits Roll
Fifteen lines, and Bond didn’t say any of them. Q takes four spots, M takes three, and Moneypenny takes two, which says something about who has to clean up after him.