Every Bond villain has the same real estate problem. They spend a fortune on a secret lair with a monorail, a shark tank and a dramatic view, and then a man in a dinner jacket shows up and it all explodes. That leaves a lot of Bond villain lairs on the market.
So we listed twelve of them, in the voice of an extremely optimistic real estate agent, with a short guest review from the one visitor who saw them all. We ranked on amenities, location and how much danger we were prepared to ignore, from the worst listing to the dream home. Spoilers for all 25 films, obviously. Prices on request. Sharks may convey.
12 to 9: Priced to move
12. Safin’s Poison Garden, No Time to Die (2021)
Private island in disputed waters between Japan and Russia, so good luck figuring out who sends the tax bill. Former military site built around a World War II-era chemical plant, with missile silos, blast-resistant doors and an underground “bacteria farm” with dramatic mood lighting, according to the seller’s unusually nervous lawyer. Mature landscaping: an heirloom garden of poisonous plants, lovingly kept by the previous owners. Recently returned to the family after a dispute with a criminal organization. The Royal Navy has expressed strong interest.
Guest review: Unavailable. The last guest stayed permanently.
11. Kananga’s Crocodile Farm, Live and Let Die (1973)
Working farm in the Deep South backwoods with a mature, well-fed crocodile population. Charming gate signage reads “Trespassers Will Be Eaten,” and the seller would like you to know that is not a metaphor. Discreet outbuildings with a history of light industrial use (heroin). Includes a private island in the pond, perfect for guests you don’t want back.
Guest review: The tour guide left me on the island and walked off. I left across the crocodiles. Two stars, both for the crocodiles.
10. Silva’s Island, Skyfall (2012)
An entire abandoned city on its own island, fully emptied by the current owner, who cleared out the residents by faking a chemical leak. Original concrete apartment blocks, fallen statues in the square and a server room for the home office. Silva not included.
Guest review: The host tied me to a chair during the welcome speech. He left with the Royal Navy, and not by choice. One star.
9. Blofeld’s Crater, Spectre (2015)
Remote Sahara compound built inside a meteor crater, served by a lonely railway stop and a private car service. The meteorite itself is on display in its own room. Includes a state of the art surveillance center that watches the entire world, which should help with the neighbors. Roof configuration recently simplified after a guest shot a fuel line on his way out.
Guest review: Impressive meteorite. Less impressive welcome: the host strapped me into a chair and went at my skull with a drill. My watch handled checkout. One star.
8 to 5: Needs some TLC
8. Crab Key, Dr. No (1962)
Private Caribbean island off Jamaica with a working mine as a cover business and a nuclear reactor in the basement. Luxury guest suites with decontamination showers on arrival. Neighbors stay away thanks to local stories about a dragon, which turns out to be an armoured vehicle with a flamethrower. Some radioactivity in the swamp. Sold as is after an incident in the reactor room.
Guest review: Check-in included a decontamination shower and drugged coffee. Dinner came with a job offer, which I declined. The cell had excellent ventilation, which is how I left.
7. Drax’s Space Station, Moonraker (1979)
The ultimate gated community: it’s in orbit. Hidden from every radar on Earth by its own jamming system, with room for a hand-picked population to restart civilization. Commute by private shuttle from a secret launch site in the Amazon. Prefer to stay on the ground? The seller also owns a California chateau that was moved over from France one stone at a time.
Guest review: The host asked his staff to throw me out the airlock. His staff said no. Would consider returning if Jaws took over.
6. Palmyra, Thunderball (1965)
Waterfront estate in Nassau, Bahamas, with a large swimming pool stocked with live sharks. Deep water access for the owner’s yacht, which has a high-speed hydrofoil hidden inside, ready to leave the rest of the boat behind. Rare in this market: the house is still standing.
Guest review: Pool access was considerably easier than pool exit. Would not swim again.
5. Auric Stud, Goldfinger (1964)
Gracious Kentucky horse farm with a grand main house, stables and an airfield nearby for the owner’s private pilots. Features a large entertainment room, perfect for business presentations. The seller notes the last presentation ended with the audience being gassed, but the furniture is fine.
Guest review: Excellent mint julep. The other guests did not survive the slideshow. Three stars.
4 to 1: Dream homes (ask about the self-destruct)
4. Scaramanga’s Island, The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)
Tropical private island in Chinese waters, completely off the grid thanks to its own solar power plant. A mirror hidden in a mushroom-shaped rock off the beach collects the sun and powers an energy beam that can take out an unwanted seaplane. Includes a funhouse with mirrors and wax figures, a resident butler and a Chinese junk for getting around.
Guest review: The butler was charming. The host invited me to lunch, then to a duel. His house also destroyed my plane. Four stars for the beach.
3. Piz Gloria, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)
Mountaintop clinic high in the Swiss Alps, reached only by cable car or helicopter, with a helipad and a full staff. Previously used for allergy treatments for a select group of young women from around the world. Spectacular views of the Alps. Hypnosis package discontinued.
Guest review: I checked in as a genealogist and checked out on skis with half the staff chasing me down the mountain. Good brunch, probably.
2. Atlantis, The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Waterfront living, taken literally. Futuristic marine estate off Sardinia that rises out of the sea and can sink back below the surface whenever the owner wants privacy. Formal dining room with water views, helicopter pads and a private aquarium. The aquarium has a shark. Selected visitors arrive through the elevator floor. Owner also keeps a supertanker for storage.
Guest review: The shark was under the elevator. The gun was under the dining table. The house then sank, which the listing does not mention.
1. Blofeld’s Volcano, You Only Live Twice (1967)
The one every villain wants. A hollow volcano on a quiet Japanese island, with a crater roof disguised as a lake that slides open on command. Inside: a rocket launch pad, a working monorail, a helicopter pad and an indoor pool stocked with piranhas. Nobody suspects a thing, apart from the island’s pearl divers and anyone who notices a rocket launching out of a lake.
Guest review: I came in through the lake, which was a roof. Five stars for the design, zero for the host, who blew the whole thing up himself before I could leave a tip.
Closing costs
Twelve homes, twelve views to die for and twelve sellers who have stopped returning calls. Viewings by appointment only. Bring your own exit.